How I failed at being a serial killer, or, Why I am a comedian -- Being born: I'll never do that again -- The countless stages of death -- All this venereal disease and no one to share it with -- Name your own chapter -- It's not me, it's the U.S.A. -- Little airline bottles in the Big Apple -- Friendshit -- Screwing up, down, and all over town -- Once you've seen one sunrise, you're tired all day -- Follow your dreams, especially if they take Gower -- Nowhere to go but up yours -- Laughter is the best medicine, unless you have actual medicine -- Working 10:00 to 10:15, what a way to make a living -- Equality is for underachievers, am I right, ladies? -- the B team -- Midseason programming in the garden of good and evil -- F*** censorship! -- Appendix A: How to deal with a heckler -- Appendix B: How to get representation -- Appendix C: How to properly give a compliment to a working comedian -- Appendix D: Ho w to properly receive a compliment if you are a working comedian.