Preface/Intro/I don't know what to call this -- On being human. I am the girl from your tampon commercials ; White friend confessional ; The happiest place on Earth, god dammit ; A time line of my online personas ; You're from the midwest?! What's that like? ; Mamma Mia ; Depression isn't a competition, but, like, why aren't I winning? -- On being professional. How to quit your job and change your life ; Work orientation for women ; College 101 ; How I take my coffee ; Procrastination but make it look put together ; My dog explains my weekly schedule -- On being domestic and beautiful. Mustache lady ; I'm a guy's girl ; National American Miss Pre-teen Wisconsin ; Hollywood and media representation presents: how women age ; Bath & body works is the suburban nonsense I crave ; Items of clothing, defined ; Does this count as exercise? -- On being horny and in love and sometimes even both. All the things I thought sex was ; Attention Target shoppers: this store is now rife with sexual tension ; How to date online ; Treating objects like women ; A nice piece of satire you can take home to your parents ; I don't know how to be a bride ; The holy sacrament of birth control -- On being human. Learning how to not shit myself ; Daily affirmations for my sister ; Father Mia ; Can I be a good girl while still getting fucked up? ; Can I ask this person about their race: a guide ; All rise for the honorable Mia Mercado.