Introduction. We'd kill each other -- We have your son -- Eustace, 1 through 84 -- Alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day that was made better by White privilege -- Report cards for 25-year-olds -- Letters from the color war -- Dr. Seuss teaches sex ed -- See you in hell -- The collected works of angsty suburban White kids named Corey -- Yikies! -- Caesar's relieved -- College stories fact check -- Butterscotch Galaxy, (or, The spectaular class of 54) -- I am outraged -- How to assemble your first couch, you big fucking loser -- My college friend the pope -- Fun guy -- How to get into the club -- It happened to me : my goop jade vaginal egg hatched into a tiny White woman who I now have to care for as my own -- The incident at Aces Bar -- Fairy god milf -- Sex and love in the alien invasion -- Clarity -- The Reynolds Accords -- Soulmates -- Actual things Ben's mother has told her friends he does for a living -- Sky not found -- Unchosen -- Bits & pieces -- Our musings on comedy (vs. what we pitched) -- Welcome to the Buzzfeed orgy -- Easter eggs -- How'd we do?